You are the life of the party. . .even when it lasts until 8 pm.
You realize that the most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
You smile all the time because you can't hear a word being said about you.
Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old you have to pay someone to look at you naked.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
You are wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just the left leg.
You are positive you did housework correctly before your mate retired.
You are not grouchy; you just don't like traffic, waiting, crowds, children, and politicians.
Your potted plants stay alive.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
You are aware that other people's grandchildren are not as bright as yours.
You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
Dinner and a movie -- The whole date instead of just the beginning of one.
MTV News is no longer your primary source of information.
Over 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
Every day you beat your own previous record for number of consecutive days you've stayed alive.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the most ridiculous time for a guy to get those odds?
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
At your age, "getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.