The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
You have an appointment in 10 minutes, and you just woke up.
You open the paper and find your picture under a caption that reads: "WANTED: DEAD OR ALIVE!"
You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your outer office, and the District Attorney is waiting on the phone...
You wake up face down in the front yard.
That wasn't Right Guard you just sprayed on. It was Lysol pine scent.
The candles on your brithday cake set off the smoke alarm.
Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels down the highway.
They pay your wages out of petty cash.
You make more than you have ever made, owe more than you have ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.
Your suggestion box starts ticking.
Your accountant's letter of resignation is postmarked "Zurich".
You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.
You have to hitchhike to the bank to make your car payment.
Your pacemaker only has a 30 day guarantee.
Your wife starts charging you rent.
People send your wife sympathy cards on your anniversary.
You take an assertiveness training course, and you're afraid to tell your wife.
Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.
You have to take out a loan to get money for the down payment.
The bride's family throw rocks instead of rice.
Your new modeling job is for a cartoonist.
Your plants do better when you don't talk to them.
A copy of your birth certificate comes in the mail marked null and void.
Not only is getting there half the fun, but it's also three-fourths of the vacation budget.
The little league puts you on waivers.
The enclosed simple instructions -- aren't!!!
On your cruise you see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.
The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.
The plumber floats by on the kitchen table.
There are two elephants, two giraffes, and two zebras in your yard and your next door neighbor is building an ark.