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These didn't fit anywhere else...

Everyone has a right to be stupid. . .Some just abuse the privilege.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all the evidence that you tried.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

mechanicI couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

I intend to live forever so far, so good.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Eagles may soar, but goundhogs don't get sucked into jet engines.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb!

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

Everyone has a photographic memory... Some don't have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

It is hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

If God wanted me to touch my toes He would have put them on my knees.

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your seat belt.

Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive, anyway.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Living is a terminal disease.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Money can't buy happiness. But it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

I don't know about art, but I know what makes me say, "$2000 for that piece of junk?! Are you nuts?!"

If I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I'd put shoes on my cat.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown, and even fewer still to ignore them completely.

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

It seems that people read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were cramming for their finals...

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency: I think you should write . . . A Very Good Doctor.

True, the early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." ~~ Walt Disney

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient on living, it's a way of looking at life through the wrongend of a telescope. Which is what I do, and that enables you to laugh as life's realities." ~~ Dr. Suess

"Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds." ~~ Albert Einstein

"Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river." ~~ Nikita Khrushchev

The great acts of love are done... By those who are habitually performing small acts of kindness.


Jul 2018
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